I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since May 4, 2019.
It was the last time I had her with me.
What was supposed to be a routine c-section turned into a nightmare. I should have known she was trying to say goodbye when she shuddered close to the end of the procedure.
I should have known that my baby was trying to tell me everything was going to be ok and that I’d be the best grandmother ever.
I should have known that she was too old and too tired to get through this ordeal.
At the end of the day, she’d left me – my faithful ride or die had, in fact, died.
I couldn’t react. I couldn’t scream in the doctor’s office. He was more beside himself than I was. Bless him, Lord. He did his best to save her.
But she was gone.
What I had left to show for it were six tiny new furballs of life that I wanted to throw away instantly. I hated them. I hated myself for letting her get pregnant. In that moment, I hated everyone and everything. Except her.
But she wasn’t here anymore.
What was here were three boys and three girls, all fragile and in need of a mother that I couldn’t give them. They were all that was left of her and in that very moment of hating them, I made the decision to ensure that they survived. Her death couldn’t be for nothing.
So, I left her with the vet and took them home.
I left her because I could not bury her.
I left her because if I took her home, I would be permanently broken.
I left her because I’m pretty sure I would have let her decompose in my bedroom because I wouldn’t have allowed anyone to move her from her favourite spot on the floor.
I left her because I couldn’t see her like that.
I left her because she left me.
She left me with a mammoth task of nurturing six new lives and making sure they thrived without their mother.
I left her. I miss her.
Dammit.
This space isn’t about her. It’s about life without her.
I’m still not sure I’m ready to use this space. Here goes nothing.
—
Song: Dog Days Are Over
Singer: Florence & The Machine
Album: Lungs
Release date: 2009
This…… crying as I read it……
💔