Get Lucky

… if you think you still can

Recently, I’ve had a lot of guys coming out of the woodwork trying to re-establish connections.

I guess it’s my fault. I’ve always been the kind of chick who took that whole concept of safety net to another level. I would leave doors cracked or windows open, just in case some dude (who is 100 per cent unavailable by the way) could find his way back to my bedroom (at best) or into my life (at the very least). I think I used it as some sort of validation to prove, “Hey, I really ain’t that ugly” or “See? Someone really does care about me.”

But recently, it’s started to bother me. And there were a couple of straws that came down on this proverbial camel’s back that proved to be harsh reality checks for me. They finally gave me the courage to put myself first and say, “No.”

I need to close these doors and seal them shut. Install screens and bars on the windows and seal those shut as well, so that I can start to learn who I am without these men and how I feel about myself without their presence (or mere existence) in my life as validation.

Because it was clear that I wasn’t feeling anything about myself. I couldn’t even consider myself worthless. I wasn’t on my own damned radar.

I’m trying to put myself on my radar now.

Part of me is really pissed off that I’m just coming to this realization at 41 when I feel it should have happened at 24. But I am where I am. I can’t go back in time. This is the life that I have, and I must make the fucking best of it.

But that concept of self-worth – I’m still trying to figure that out. I haven’t got that fully down yet. I’m still trying to understand what it even means.

Who is Vanessa without being on her back or breaking her back for someone else? Who is this person?

I’m learning how to be selfish. I mean I have selfish tendencies, but maybe I’m just selfish with the wrong people. There are some people who I can, hands down, say “fuck” and “off” – in that order and in any variation – and it would have the desired effect I’m looking for.

But there are others I’ve played this game with for so long that it’s not even a game anymore, it’s literally my life. So now I’m walking away from them.

Sometimes they tug at strings that open those doors or crack those windows and I’m slowly learning how to cut those ties. But every time I think they’ve all been severed, there was some lingering tether that lured me back or pulled me off course. Even when I tried cutting the chord myself, I’d immediately begin to second guess myself or rethink my decision.

Did I make the right choice?

What happens if there’s no one after this person?

What if I wind up alone?

What happens if I never get to be intimate with any other man again?

What happens next?

It’s the uncertainty that always sends me back…

I have to keep telling myself that it’s ok if I’m alone. I’ve been alone all this fucking time, I just didn’t realize it… Or maybe I didn’t want to accept it. At the end of the day, I’m still alone and I don’t like being lonely and I need to get out of that shit.

The only way I’m truly going to be happy with someone else, eventually, is if I know how to be happy with myself, by myself and for myself.

Do I even want to do that shit though? That’s the question.

I think I do. I think I have to, but the feeling of it all sucks. It really just fucking sucks. This is gonna be harder than I thought.

Here’s to hoping I see it through.

Song: Get Lucky
Artist(s): Daft Punk (Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers)
Album: Random Access Memories
Release Date: 2013

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  • Choose yourself always. I’ve been there when I wanted a person more than he wanted me. Then 10 years ago, I decided to choose me. To love myself fully. To be alone and at peace until someone God sent came. I’ve been single and celibate for 10 years. The peace that you have when you love yourself and would rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t love you is unmatched.

    • I appreciate you and your words of encouragement Crystal. I’m seeking that peace you already enjoy and hoping it finds its way to me soon. Love you hun.

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