There’s an anger and animosity inside of me that I can’t seem to quell. I keep trying not to think about it. Most days I succeed. Most days I don’t remember the hurt, the pain. Most days it doesn’t cross my mind.
In the beginning, I spent hours thinking about various methods and ways I could exact the vengeance/retribution, whatever you want to call it, on my family. I keep coming up with scenarios that have disastrous ends. Because no matter how I wanted them to feel exactly how I feel. I had to course-correct my thoughts for my own sake. The mess had been made and I was the one to catch hell for it. From other people.
I just want what’s fair. But fair doesn’t seem to be an option and I don’t know how to reconcile that either.
But that’s the whole point, isn’t it? I’m not supposed to be the one working this out.
I’m not supposed.
To be the one.
Working this out.
So, I’ve taken to my knees. I needed to find a proper solution with God’s help. My thought patterns were getting in the way of thinking rationally. I had to let Him take control and let Him wrestle with this obstinate brain of mine.
This is hard. This is insanity. I’m now at the point where I just pray I don’t spiral. A lot is going on up there. And I’m just trying to be still and quiet my mind so I can let Him lead me on the right path because this path here that I’m on – in my mind – it’s a real bitch and I don’t want that for myself. I want better. So, I must try. I must keep trying and keep breathing. Just put one foot in front of the other and see where He takes me.
END OF PART ONE
Song: Shout
Artist: Tears For Fears
Album: Songs from the Big Chair
Release Date: 1984
