We’re into the second month of 2024 and I’ve already broken several promises to myself.
Life just hasn’t been going the way I envisioned it.
I thought I’d have a set salary by now. I do not. I thought I would have lost more weight than I have to date. No dice. I said I would post to this blog once a week after the first week of the year. Well, that went up in flames last Saturday. I’m determined to let that be a one-off. So, here we are.
The truth is, while I have spent a lot of time thinking and dwelling on the things that have gone wrong instead of enjoying this new life chapter, my noggin has been consumed with boundary lines that need to be kept for my own sake and what seems to be an ever-looming anxiety about not having steady work. Cuz life is expensive.
You would think that I would at the very least chronicle these thoughts for a later date. Silly wabbit, tricks are for hoes and kids.
Last year, I promised myself that I wouldn’t rush my writing anymore. That I would put my best foot forward so whatever I released into the world, it would be worth the reading experience. That was a cop-out on my part. I’d gotten lazy. Reverted to the procrastinator of 2018. The one who never wrote a sentence in the direction of this blog. She, the old me, totally sucked. She never understood the need for discipline.
I find myself falling back to say hello to that promiscuous cunt for a second this year. Desperation and desire, however, have other plans.
I’m losing my ground
I had several nicknames bestowed on me during my college years. None was more comical than ‘cobweb’. According to some of my guy friends, I was the oldest virgin they knew, and, in their warped minds, cobwebs shrouded my cherry box since it had never been in use, much like a house without occupants.
Fast forward 20 or so years, I guess that name would now be apt as I settle into this newer version of myself. I hopped on the celibacy train a couple of years back. Granted I broke the treaty with myself once or twice since then, I, for the most part, have managed to hold true to repurposing my vagina as both an excise in self-discipline and because I haven’t encountered anyone of late worth opening up to on that level.
But I miss dick. I really do. I missed dick so much that I broke that promise to myself last night.
Fuck. Me.
The sex was grand. It was with a trusted friend. The emotional fallout this morning? Not so much.
Dick isn’t what I need right now. Dick isn’t where I’m supposed to be right now. Right now, my life needs to be about continuing to discover myself and implementing what I’ve learned about myself over the past year and change.
Second time around and I’m retreating
I’m trying to live in the moment, but sometimes living in the moment is hard. Sometimes I’m tempted to revert to running the proverbial marathon instead of the short sprints that have served me well. I need to be a sprinter. The Usain Bolt of my own life. I can’t afford to be a marathoner because whenever I go into marathon mode, I tend to overanalyze things and become immobilized because of it.
Beautiful things happen when I sprint. Every. Single. Time. I just sometimes never see the result until the sprint is over. That’s where faith and trust come into play. And that’s OK. But I’ve got to keep sprinting.
Sprinting helps me to keep the promises I’ve made to myself. It helps me to be the best version of Vanessa I can be. And so, here I am going against my natural grain again – for my own good because I literally used to be a distance runner in high school. The 1,500- and 2,000m were my jam. My endurance level was off the charts so it was fairly easy to come first or second in a race—one time for ballet classes. But the marathon mindset of old must be shed.
I finally have a morning routine I’m good with and it all starts with a wellness check-in with God. I’m pretty sure He is tired of me lying down and talking to him. I’m very sure totally over my mind racing to every anxious thought before pumping the mental races and flipping the switch to focus on Jesus first.
This morning, I asked him for forgiveness, wisdom, clarity and happiness. It’s what I need today. Not sure why yet but the “why” always makes an appearance at some point. I just have to trust in Him and everything will be fine.
But you know, that’s a human struggle. I say to Jesus, “I trust you,” and then I still sometimes do stuff that goes against that trust factor. And then I feel remorseful and ask for forgiveness and try my best to do better moving forward.
He understands my human nature better than I do. So, I trust and reset my mental clock when I break one of the promises I’ve made to myself and Him. And then I begin a new sprint.
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Song: Promises, Promises
Artist: Naked Eyes
Album: Burning Bridges
Release Date: 1983
