Sorry, Not Sorry

I imagine this song is what I would play to anyone who ridiculed me on my weight journey growing up.

The sad thing about that is that this song would be dedicated to my family. My immediate family. My mother and her siblings to be precise. I’m pretty sure that in their warped and twisted way they want what’s best for me. The delivery of that message? Fucked. Up.

It wasn’t just them though. High school girls are cruel bitches. Even the ones you call best friends. But when you’re not ‘putting out’ for your current crush and constantly get chosen over other girls for dates, the concept of ‘fat’ meanders its way into your world. It starts off as a subtle bystander in a 50 cent classroom dance and quickly becomes what you consider to be the reason you didn’t get asked to prom by anyone and so you had to go alone because you didn’t want to miss any major right of passage as a teen.

But I digress.

Payback is a bad bitch… you’re fuckin with a savage

Those words right there! Let me tell you how most people consider me ‘savage’ as a plus-size woman. I’d hate to think what they would think of me once the weight is gone. But I consider myself more of a pussy than savage since I spend most says apologizing for everything under the sun. It’s a habit I’m working to rectify especially when it comes to my weight.

Oh yes, the weight.

The weight that has ballooned and ebbed and flowed with me in my short 40-year stint on planet Earth. The weight I apologize for whenever I walk into a room and already know which chairs my 64-inch ass is gonna shift over before I touch them. The weight that makes flying (when we could fly) awkward as hell and left me giving apologetic looks to passengers seated next to me for the duration of a flight.

This weight that has made me both laugh and cry. This weight that I’ve used as leverage to get the sexiest of men in bed and then some. This weight that – if I’m being honest – I have no clue what life looks like without it.

It’s been with me for that long. The illusion of being overweight, even when I wasn’t, has been with me. That. Long.

This weight that I’ve been apologizing for.

To myself and to others.

Talk that talk baby, better walk that walk baby

Well, I’m over it. It is what it is. I can live with that now. It’s not healthy but I’m working on that part. In the meantime, this space has been carved out just for the topic of the relationship I have with the excess weight I carry around with me – both on my body and in my mind.

It’s my way of breaking down the way I feel about it, what I’m doing about it, and, more importantly, finally accepting the fact that it’s there and being okay with that fact so I can move forward with getting rid of it in a healthy way.

So yes, this song is my anthem when it comes to the concept of weight. This song is what I try to do every day since I first heard it on the radio and why it’s permanently on my workout list. Not because of the pace or the beat, but because the lyrics remind me to put me first and stop fucking apologizing for my current situation, especially to myself.

Because I can’t be sorry. I only have to be proactive.

I’m a work in progress and it’s a beautiful work.

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Song: Sorry, Not Sorry
Artist/Group: Demi Lovato
Album: Tell Me You Love Me
Release date: 2017