Surrender

… to everything and no one (human, that is) at all

Over the past few weeks – even before the clock struck 2022 – I’ve been uneasily focused on the ‘Serenity Prayer’:

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.

Amen.

                                           — Reinhold Niebuhr

I’m learning to focus on the things I can control. I’m hoping that it will make the things I can’t control feel less scary – and also, a shit ton less annoying. However, I have major anxiety issues and my body becomes Stress’ bi’otch whenever she rears her head.

Every so often I would think that I’m in control and then BAM! Stress, her trusty sidekick Anxiety and Weight Gain, their bastard of an offspring – kick in. Honestly, I spent most of last year stressed out and anxious about everything and nothing all at once (Fuck you, Whitney).

From leaving one job to having no job, to worrying about my new job. Constantly worrying about food and why every morsel I put in my mouth matters. And the subsequent mental depression after eating something I wanted and not needed. Walking around on eggshells ad nauseum when death came either predictably or out of the blue. (Like I have any sway over that shit and how people react to it happening).

All of it has caused me to take a precarious journey that had me feeling like Alice in fucking wonderland.

The fallout? Me climbing up the scale to the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. Adding a few pounds already isn’t fine but when you tack on a majorly fucked economy and a global pandemic, a harsh reality sets in. I need to get my shit together, like a decade ago, because being morbidly obese is only cute on older Bahamian men.

What is worse, everything you just read pales in comparison to the overarching and annoyingly prominent thought in my head which is this: I just want to get off dry dock and fuck away some of this mess.

Sometimes being a Christian is exhausting. Especially when you’re learning to love yourself.

Like, I totally don’t want to think about myself right now. It’s too friggin hard. I want to shut out the silent noise, call a friend and just juice (yes, that’s what I call it – juicing) till I fall asleep.

But I’m a re-re-reformed woman who walked away from all my dick supply. In December. At the height of cuffing season. Dumbass. I should have waited till March to do that mess. It’s friggin cold outside.

Here’s the thing about withdrawal. Even the smallest, slightest nudge back in the direction you’re trying to get away from can be catastrophic, because you find yourself saying, “OK, just one more time.” Or “OK, I’ll just take this one last bite.” (smh) Ten bites later or in my case, two fucks later, and you are wondering what the hell happened. I mean, you know what happened but when did you spiral? When did you get outta control?

Fuck.

But I can say no. I can stick by my no.

“No” is a complete sentence. It just needs to be a daily recommitment to this two-letter powerhouse of a word.

I can control my ‘no’. It’s hella uncomfortable to do,  but it is doable. The “no” gives me the ability to stop surrendering to old habits and form new and better ones. My “no” gives me the freedom to take thoughts and stress and anxiety out of the equation I call life and it allows just enough clarity to focus on the next 24 hours I’m gifted by the Big Guy.

My “no” helps me to surrender all of my flaws and mistakes. I can turn them over to God because I’m so very tired. So I am surrendering to my “no” and embracing the process of doing what’s right. Surrendering to the concept of proper nutrition and a well-balanced diet.

Surrendering to the fact that I cannot do everything. I cannot be everything to everyone.

Surrendering my stubbornness for a more accepting and open-minded way of thinking.

I don’t know all the answers.  I never have.

So I’m surrendering to me, instead of what others think I should be. I’m going to be myself. Maybe if I do that, I will actually find a part of the peace I so desperately desire.


Surrender
Artist: Lalah Hathaway & Pharrell Williams
Album: Hidden Figures Soundtrack
Released: 2018

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