Who Can I Run To?

…to answer these questions that’ve been plaguing my mind

Why the fuck am I running in the first place? My ass isn’t built for that shit – literally or theoretically – but here we are. Sometimes I feel like my entire life is one big question mark. Come to think of it, when it comes to my relationship and interactions with the opposite sex, that particular punctuation mark overcasts any other train of thought.

Will this shit work out or is it going to be a trainwreck? I’m plagued by feelings of insecurity and self-doubt. It’s probably why I now have this uncanny ability to interrogate myself out of a potential relationship before a first date. It’s my way of shielding myself from any hurt feelings or overbearing emotions.

But the questions go beyond me and men. Developing a relationship with myself seems to be the bigger issue at play. I’ve spent years trying to figure this shit out, but just when I think I finally have the answers to one of the questions below, another WTF moment happens and I’m back to square one.

So, I’m just going to list them because really, I’m not about to lose my shit over emotions that don’t even have a frigging target yet.

Why do I make messed up decisions when it comes to sex and emotions?

Why am I so frustrated with myself?

What is it I’m really hiding from?

What am I refusing to deal with?

Why am I sabotaging myself?

Why do I think I’m not worthy of love? Or happiness?

Who is worthy of my energy?

Why am I so uncomfortable being alone?

What is it that I want that I’m not getting?

When will God reveal it all to me?

What does my life look like from the outside?

What the fuck do I truly want it to look like?

Who do I give my energy to?

Who do I love?

What happens to me in the future?

Do I even have a future?

Why do I deny myself happiness?

I need answers. I can’t keep moving the goal post by pressing pause on my life until I find the answers. There’s too much I want and need to do.

So, I’m going to try something different this year. What if there was no proverbial goal post? Would that make things better?

Fuck it. No goal post it is. The answers will come…

Eventually.

Song: Who can I run to?
Artist: The Jones Girls
Album: The Jones Girls
Release Date: 1979

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