I had a friend ask me why I was doing this. Exposing myself in this way.
The easy answer to that question is this: “Because I can.”
The more difficult answer is that I’m much more comfortable telling others the truth than telling myself. I’m not good at lying to other people. It’s not my forte. Folks ask questions. I give them answers – even if they hurt. If I were part of the ‘Divergent’ experiment, I would be the leader of the Candor faction.
Lying to myself, however, has become one hell of an art form. From the wholly effective arguments as to why I shouldn’t get out of bed to exercise in the morning, to the craftier justifications for fucking a guy (who I know is unavailable) – there is a fluid grace to my ability to lie to myself.
I don’t have to protect others at that point. I can always make up a lie and feed it to myself and be totally okay until shit hits the fan. And I’ve had my share of spectacular shit shows… but I digress.
“I wish I could protect you…”
I’ve tried the whole personal journal thing, but I always stop, habitually succumbing to my programming called procrastination.
I’ve been trying to get back on track with this blog for a few months now. I had the time and opportunity to do it all of 2021. However, every time I sat in front of this laptop, I got an instant brain cramp. I just didn’t want to write. I couldn’t write.
The desire to stroke these keys in some form or fashion made me cringe and I looked for an escape down the rabbit hole of Hulu and Netflix. But now, I’m surrendering to the ‘reconditioning’ if you will and developing a relationship with the word ‘consistency’.
She intimidates the shit out of me, mind you. I can’t fathom what my life would look like if I utilized her – consistency – in my everyday life for a year. But that’s the experiment I’m about to take part in and dropping a piece onto this site every Saturday is part of the plan.
“Now we stop the pretending”
I created TPS as a way to access and channel a freedom that I don’t ordinarily experience in the confines of my personal space. I mean yeah, this space is also personal and all at once, it’s not. (Get out of my head, Whitney.) For me, once the truth is out there – once my truth is out there – I don’t worry about it anymore.
Besides, the exposure is helping me to change and make changes in my own way. The expulsion of the thoughts from my brain is scary and satisfying all at once.
On January 1 of this year, however, I found myself ready and willing to embrace that old hoe – Inconsistency – and travel back down what would have been one hell of a rabbit hole all because one small hiccup was set to derail my plans.
This website was down, and my developer had no real answers for me to get it back up immediately. It was up when I loaded the first piece, when I edited the photos and captions and even at 11:45 pm on December 31, 2021, when I did a final check to make sure everything was in place.
Six hours later? Nothing.
My then reality – someone else in control of this space for a year or so and they dropped the ball. I got complacent trusting others with things that I am invested in.
I won’t make that mistake again.
And so, January 1, 2022, became a day of making changes. Changes I had been reluctant to make but that were oh, so necessary. My editor had to stop me from damn near having a meltdown. A confidant and fellow journeyman on this adventurous road of expression helped me to pivot out of the situation and as a result, I now have full control of this space. Well, as full as I can get. And that works for me.
January 1st also made me realize that growth is still possible for me. I sure as hell still need to work at some things – like NOT getting upset and considering throwing in the towel when something doesn’t go the way I want it to. I mean really, I can’t want a diamond lifestyle and not be able to handle the pressure it takes to get there.
I now see that 2022 is going to be a year of withstanding both internal and external rubs. I need to polish this stone I call a body and sharpen this tool I call a mind. Withstand the heat, pressure and time it will take to shine bright (like a diamond – yeah RiRi, I get it). Otherwise fear, doubt and uncertainty will get the best of me, and I can’t have that shit cuz…
“I was already changing.”
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Artist: The Jungle
Song: Cherry
Album: For Ever
Release Date: 2018
