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Dog Days Are Over

I don’t think I can do this ever again

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since May 4, 2019.

It was the last time I had her with me.

What was supposed to be a routine c-section turned into a nightmare. I should have known she was trying to say goodbye when she shuddered close to the end of the procedure.

I should have known that my baby was trying to tell me everything was going to be ok and that I’d be the best grandmother ever.

I should have known that she was too old and too tired to get through this ordeal.

At the end of the day, she’d left me – my faithful ride or die had, in fact, died.

I couldn’t react. I couldn’t scream in the doctor’s office. He was more beside himself than I was. Bless him, Lord. He did his best to save her.

But she was gone.

What I had left to show for it were six tiny new furballs of life that I wanted to throw away instantly. I hated them. I hated myself for letting her get pregnant. In that moment, I hated everyone and everything. Except her.

But she wasn’t here anymore.

What was here were three boys and three girls, all fragile and in need of a mother that I couldn’t give them. They were all that was left of her and in that very moment of hating them, I made the decision to ensure that they survived. Her death couldn’t be for nothing.

So, I left her with the vet and took them home.

I left her because I could not bury her.

I left her because if I took her home, I would be permanently broken.

I left her because I’m pretty sure I would have let her decompose in my bedroom because I wouldn’t have allowed anyone to move her from her favourite spot on the floor.

I left her because I couldn’t see her like that.

I left her because she left me.

She left me with a mammoth task of nurturing six new lives and making sure they thrived without their mother.

I left her. I miss her.


This space isn’t about her. It’s about life without her.

I’m still not sure I’m ready to use this space. Here goes nothing.


Song: Dog Days Are Over
Singer: Florence & The Machine
Album: Lungs
Release date: 2009

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