This situation is also NOT helping this celibacy journey I’m on. The way I want to handle this is to drink and find a guy and have him fuck me senseless but I know that that’s also not the answer. I almost disrespected myself more than once dealing with this mess. Thank God for moral compasses we call friends. Cancelling penis dates have morphed into turning them down entirely but on days like this it’s… frustrating.
It’s frustrating having these feelings and not being able to yell at the top of my lungs and get the release that I feel I deserve or the wrath I want to unleash on everyone who has hurt me. Is still hurting me. I don’t know how to process that part, which is why I’m just giving it over to somebody else. To someone else. To THE higher power.
UGH! How can you love and hate people at the same time? How can you so desperately want them to realize how much they’ve hurt you and apologize and want to rip their guts out – stomping them into the ground and cementing all that vitriol into a wall – and, at the same time, want them to be OK.
How can all of these emotions be competing and vying for the same space for the same people in my life?
This is a loss. It feels like a loss. It feels like I have lost something and I haven’t felt this way since Sheba died. There’s no coming back from this betrayal and that’s really fucked up because they’re my parents.
These are the things I can do without
I’ve gone through the seven stages of grief over the past three and a half months. Getting a court summons brought the rage back to the surface. It took a while to knock it out of my system. It’s still lingering around. I had to walk around the grocery store aimlessly for a bit to get the anger to flow out of me faster.
Come on, I’m talking to you, come on
I’ve distanced myself from them, essentially cutting them off aside from a weekly wellness check via text. It’s all I can manage to do without getting riled up inside. I guess that’s what happens when trust is broken. I can stomach speaking to two of my siblings without losing my shit and those conversations are few and far between.
After this entire incident, I pretty much told my parents not to call me. If something is going wrong, call an ambulance.
People always say your family is all you got. Is that really the case when they fuck you over worse than your so-called enemies? What does family even mean to me now? Some people are hitched to wagons that are not in their best interest.
I’m not saying my family is completely shit but they’ve managed to do some really shitty things to me over the years that make me wanna say, ‘Nah, I’m good. No more.’
They no longer have access to my vehicle. They no longer have access to me.
They actually tried me in the beginning. I’m guessing they thought I would cave in as usual and just let the gut punches roll on but the word ‘no’ is now a staple in my vocabulary.
No.
It’s a complete sentence. Don’t like that sentence?
Fuck off.
Same sentence but you get two words for the price of one.
Needless to say, folks are in their feelings about my new-found vocabulary. There’s nothing I can do about that.
There’s a family reunion coming up in July. I’m resolved not to be in attendance. The desire NOT to be gaslit by extended family “because it’s just a car” is overwhelming right now.
No is a complete sentence.
It’ll remain a complete sentence even after I receive an apology for the lies, the wrecked car and the court summons. I won’t hold my breath for that though. The silence is deafening when it comes to that. Well, except for the eggshells folks seem to be trying to avoid when around me.
I’m no good with turning the other cheek. I’m more ok with flipping fucking tables and ensuring folks get the point.
—
Song: Scream
Artist: Michael Jackson, Janet Jackson
Album: History: Past, Present and Future, Book 1
Release Date: 1995
