Retrograde

I’ve been single for seven years now. Unattached from any other human being. But I wasn’t alone.

I had animals – one in particular – to keep my mind occupied at my best and my worst. When she died, I had her pups to consume my days and nights with feedings and close calls and then growth and movement and then finding them homes.

And now I’m alone. Yes, there are 8 billion-plus other souls on the planet – some of whom I hold dear – but fuck that for right now.

From age 14 to Monday, September 28, 2020, I, Vanessa Lynn Clarke, was attached in some shape or form to another species on this revolving rock.

You’re on your own
In a world you’ve grown

I was always ready (and willing) to play second fiddle in my own life to someone or something else and now, that’s no longer the case and I. feel. ALONE.

Having to look at myself and only myself every day. Not having anyone or anything else to be accountable for. Having no more excuses for doing ‘me’ – well, that’s some scary shit.

My entire being is in fight or flight mode.

I’m at war with either staying the course and finally grieving the way I should for past loves and learning to love myself instead or fucking my way through this pandemic with the men on speed dial in my phone because being alone sucks ass.

I read this morning about the ‘spiritual forces of evil’ that plague this world and that I, as a follower of Jesus, must remain vigilant and constantly aware of them because I am a part of this never-ending battle.

Well, it’s hard to worry about the whole world when you’re fighting your own demons.

Don’t let the hurdle fall

Loneliness is the one I struggle with and fighting her is becoming a tad difficult since I cleaned house of all the dogs (human and canine) I’ve dealt with over the years. But let’s just focus on the former in this space.

Since I said my goodbyes of the last man I dated, I’ve been a tumbleweed of sorts juggling the same 2-3 repeat offenders between the sheets.

The beginning of 2020 brought fresh meat into the mix and I officially hit cougar status after being pursued by a 23-year-old. His skills in bed are subpar but he’s kind and mindful to wrap things up every time so we’ve played roulette with the pandemic twice in seven months.

Thankfully, common sense kicked in and I squashed that shit. He doesn’t know it yet, but I suspect that if he calls another 15 times, he’ll eventually pick up on the fact that I just don’t want to talk to him anymore and move on.

I’m trying. Trying and for the most part, succeeding with not doing it. Not fucking people that is. But that was before the other distraction was gone.

Now, I’m alone and lonely.

But being alone and lonely at the same time is a bitch of a task. I can do one or the other but when both are knocking at my door, I tend to run… right into the arms of some nigga I ain supposed to be messing with.

Right. Your punk ass just lost focus of what I’m really trying to say. Dammit, how to explain this…

So show me where you fit

When this, shit show of a pandemic began it was fun. I got to sleep. I got to allow my brain to rest. It was a holistic detox. Then things went from blissful to uncomfortable.

Time alone became time to reflect. And that started out great too. I started checking in with God more and even joined a new church family. (Do NOT tell my mother)

Then that reflection time started to get a bit deeper and the self-discovery was – is unsettling.

I realize that I’ve been running away from myself. Excelling at it really. And I’ve been running for so long that when COVID-19 brought me to a screeching halt and actually forced me to take stock and assess… let’s just say that shit don’t feel good at all.

I’m craving another ‘project’ to take my mind off of me. That is my crack.

I’m a fucking baser going through her first bout of withdrawal because I’m scared shitless to make ME a priority in my own fucking life.

I’m afraid to do a deep dive into this post-mortem of the last 26 years where I’ve neglected myself in favour of others.

I’m realizing that I wasn’t being selfless but selfish as fuck because I actually didn’t want to be the focal point of my own existence. And now I have to be.

If I want to see another 40 years, I. have. to. Be… ME. I have to stop running and face. Me.

How the fuck am I supposed to do that? How do I learn to…

Be the girl (I) loved

—

Song: Retrograde
Artist: James Blake
Album: Overgrown
Release date: 2013