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A relentless beckoning to the diva inside
Insecure af! Dress: @ilashan. Photo credit: @barrywilliamsphotogaphy

The sheer confidence of the woman Jasmin Sullivan personifies in this song is what compelled me to listen to and then adopt it as a secular anthem for the way I view my own inner and outer beauty. For the record, I’m not a fan or weave, wigs, or implants. In fact, my friends and family will readily disclose that if I can get away with not combing my hair for a week – it’s a wrap. (Yes, COVID-19 and I are good friends in that way.  I’ve been rocking the same Bantu knots for the past 8 days as I write this piece. But I digress.)

I am a fan of being able to walk into a room to command the attention of every man there while simultaneously projecting the words ‘fuck’ and ‘you’ to every woman in sight without batting a lash.

While I’m also not interested in being a goal digger or a sugar baby either, you’ve got to give this woman props. She knows what she wants and like any woman with a pulse – even the ones who will readily oppose what I’m writing – I want to wield this power. (Give it time ladies. Give it time.)

We all aspire to be that blatantly sure of ourselves.

And them bitches stay mad ‘cause I’m livin the life

What I also aspire to do in this space is unveil the many insecurities and self-doubt plaguing my life that this song alludes to because let’s be frank; as sure as this chick is about what she has, she’s afraid to lose it at any given moment. As much as I love the inner badass this song brings out in me, I second guess her existence daily.

It’s a toxic thought process that keeps us both perpetually in survival mode.

‘Cause you never know who’s watching you

I feel like I’ve been in survival mode of most of my life. Sure, friends and family consistently provide assurances that I’m an ‘accomplished’ young woman. That doesn’t stop me from worrying about where the next meal is coming from even though I have a job or if a guy actually likes me for me when he says hello?

Having three degrees and being considered a specialist in my field doesn’t make me any less secure about work. Living in a country where the average man covets a round ass doesn’t make me feel less insecure about the 64 inches I carry around every day.

I chose this song because even though this woman works daily to maintain her looks and thereby her status in the life of whichever man she has in her sights, she still has issues that I can relate to. It’s freaking weird though. I low key wanna be this woman in I guess the same way she low key wishes she were me.

So, I never leave the house without makeup on

Do I carry mascara with me to the store? Fuck no. Do I want to? Not really. Do I wish I were the type of woman who cared about that shit? Hell yeah. I think if I can get that side of me to break free, it would make for an interesting life journey.

So, this is an ode to the diva inside who is reluctant to emerge but I’m fighting that bitch to come out of this shell. This space is where I’ll work out my road to being that woman.

God bless everyone who crosses my path when I do.

Song: Mascara
Artist: Jasmine Sullivan
Album: Reality Show
Release date: 2015

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