Biggest Part of Me

Well, this is going to be interesting.

2023 has made its debut and the entire year is about to be one giant faith move from my standpoint.

I’m out of work, but that’s on purpose. I wanted to breathe for the first few weeks of the year. To really feel out my dreams and aspirations.

Two weeks in and this experiment with relaxation and space was nerve-wracking as fuck!

While I know this respite is what’s best for my body to regain the proper rhythm and routine it needs before really embarking on any new ventures, my mind is in overdrive with anxiety about when the next paycheck will roll in, from where, etc.

I’m doing my best to quell those thoughts with affirmations of abundance and a constant mindset adjustment with the thought that God won’t send me astray. It’s a royal pain in my ass that I hope will resolve itself in due course.

But it’s all part of The Big Guy’s plan for me right now I guess.

Decluttering all spaces…

I’ve roped my cousin and partner in crime into a pseudo “mission impossible”. The goal? To whittle my bedroom hoard of belongings down to two suitcases. The past few weeks have resulted in a journey of loud outbursts of laughter and more than enough stinging sensations when it came to letting things go. The closet cull can be aptly summed up into a hashtag – #emotionaldamage! It had to be done. I needed an honest look into what I’m actually working with.

The training wheels have also come off with this site. My editor has turned me loose and I’m writing for the first time without a second pair of eyes. My subject/verb agreement was never the issue. It was me not being totally honest with my words and hiding vulnerabilities. But the questions she’s lovingly thrown down in my inbox have stuck with me and I can’t help but be honest when it comes to this space so, like the old Huggies pull-ups commercial – I’m a big kid now.

This weight on my body has lost its ever-loving mind. I’m at the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I now have 6-month check-ins beginning in April with my GP and cardiothoracic surgeon because of it. We have a plan. Not going it alone anymore. The weight has got to go. My health otherwise? I have the bloodwork of a 25-year-old. Go figure.

My living sitch is about to be shaken up… and I’m ready for it.

The habits I should have had in place by now are being implemented regardless of my feelings because execution is the only choice. I should have seen this part coming though.

I, the chick who functions best under pressure, now must apply pressure to achieve the goals I want. Discomfort is now to become my comfort zone.

I’m still figuring things out. I know the basic steps that I need to take. But this year will require an extraordinary amount of emotional, mental, and physical movement. I’m surprisingly not as apeshit over the lack of financial movement as I usually would be. It’s the spiritual grounding that seems to be at war with my stubborn human nature that most concerns me.

Watchwords…

This is where the complete surrender comes in. This year is about to be one like no other for me – a year of decreasing myself in order to allow God to increase in me in ways I have yet to contemplate. I’m going with the flow on this one. Pretty sure it’s the reason most of my friends and family have no clue what I’m about to do. Then again, this pivot isn’t about them. I’m fighting myself daily to let Him take the reins and direct this journey called. My goal is to only get involved when He tells me to.

Meanwhile, I’ll continue working on maintaining the rhythms and routines I currently have. I know when I wake up in the morning to do my devotions, meditate, exercise, shower, drink water, eat nutritious foods… you know, just to prepare my body and make sure that I can fully function for the day. And work wherever he sends.

Work. Sheesh. I have applied to a few jobs and disregarded others I am qualified for because they didn’t seem to align with the path I’m currently on. That shit was hard to do but I’m staying the course. Being obedient and allowing this journey to unfold and my story to unfold in whatever way God wants it to be.

I’ll be here, in this space to chronicle the portions that need to be expressed and you know, experience the parts that need to just be experienced on my own.

I don’t know what the rest of the year holds but I know I’m already open to it. At peace with it. Ready and willing to experience it. If I’m being honest, that has been the most difficult part to reconcile – being a willing participant in a journey that, in my mind, I have no control over. But when have I or you ever been in control of our lives? LOL!

This isn’t the first leap of faith I’ve taken before. I do know that whenever I muster up the gonads to take them, things always seem to work out for me better than before. I’m trusting that this will be the case again. The times that I’ve gone against this unusual grain, I’ve been royally fucked. I’m over that part.

So, I’m just going to let Him be the bigger part of my story this year and bear witness to the abundance and attraction that comes my way.

I’m going to do my best and stay occupied with maintaining the consistency, discipline, and faith needed to stay the course and NOT get in my own way. I’m keeping things loose in an effort to stop myself from jockeying for control.

Take the nudges and the course corrections as needed, and just experience and embrace whatever comes. That’s my hope and my prayer.

I pray that this year He becomes the larger part of all of us. I pray that we do our best to embrace the shit out of that notion so that we can decrease what doesn’t work in our lives in order for us to increase what we each desire. I want us all to be able to feel and experience and partake in those blessings that we can’t even imagine or fathom right now. That’s my prayer for everyone this year.

Let the good vibrations begin.

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Artist: Take 6
Song: Biggest Part of Me
Album: Join the Band
Release date: 1994