So, let’s try this again.
It’s been a year since I posted to this site. This hallowed space has been more than neglected thanks to me getting swept up in other people’s desires, dreams, and plain old bad shit. The world opened back up and I jumped ship from my own goals only to be consumed by the all too familiar vortex of the world of others.
I’d made a promise to myself that I would take a measured approach to preserve my sanity when the other eight billion-plus inhabitants of this planet scrambled to find their own definition of a ‘new normal’. Old habits die hard though, and I got lost.
“Life’s lessons then made you into woman”
I did, however, experience several sobering milestones along the way that helped remind me of what I really want to do in this space and why I need to, above all except God, stay the course:
April: I bested that bitch named COVID by dragging my ass into direct sunlight for 20 minutes a day cuz Mother Nature trumps pills every friggin time and works wonders when you pump the right cocktail of man’s best attempt at replicating her into your system.
May: Got initiated into a group that has me on track to scale up my petty bitch behaviour one-thousand-fold. (And I thought I had issues. Sheesh)
Also, May: Laid to rest a woman who knew me better than most and showed me that even cancer cannot determine how a person lives or dies.
Stood by helplessly two months later as my high-school class fell apart when one of our own succumbed to the very same disease. Fuck Cancer.
August: Witnessed the world begin to slowly reopen as Covid-19’s Delta variant picked off some of the brightest minds I know.
Death by design has a way of getting you to course correct. Smt.
“Hope is what your heart is made of”
Getting lost is an easy thing to do especially on the days when I don’t want to focus on my own issues. But even amid all the death I and maybe you experienced, we – the ones left above ground to carry on – at least get to remember the reasons and passions that first made us move.
And so, this clarion call of sorts is for you, dear reader, as much as it is for me. It’s a plea for us both to find our fucking anchors and focus.
Focus on ourselves, push past all the bullshit, all the issues we have (or think we have).
Everything WILL be ok, and we’ll be able to get to wherever we’re going – if we don’t get swallowed up in everything and everyone else.
If anything, get swallowed up in yourself because, at the end of the day, ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup!’
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had that sentence said to me. It’s finally being seared in my brain. It’s a work in progress though. Sometimes, it fades and I’m back to square one.
But, saying ‘no’ to everyone except yourself must be everything to you. It must be a necessity. It must be essential.
If you don’t know how to say no yet – figure that shit out now!
“…hold on to your world”
Remember who you are.
Remember your purpose, your ‘why’.
Remember what you set out to do.
Don’t let anyone or anything deter you from being your best self this year or prevent you from achieving what you need to achieve.
If you fall along the way, it’s okay. Pick yourself up and hit the reset button.
You can do that shit every single day. If you have breath in your lungs and you’re alive, you can reset.
Don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you.
Don’t cheat yourself for anyone else’s sake. Fuck that shit.
“Don’t you forget your way home for that little girl…”
I had no idea that babies felt pain when they’re learning to walk until a dear friend of mine explained that to me. They push past fear and pain in their still-developing bones and muscles and joints in order to do what most of us take for granted every day.
Cut lips, scratched knees, falling flat on their faces. Through it all, they persevere so they can achieve what for them is a monumental goal… and their lives are just beginning.
It doesn’t matter what distractions they have, they always come back to centre. They always refocus on the task at hand. They get back up again.
So, if you’re down, don’t stay there. You’ve got five more minutes to wallow and lament and wail… and then get the fuck up and move!
Move. Just move. Any direction will take you away from where you are now. Then course-correct as you go along. And don’t forget who you are. Don’t forget your purpose. Don’t forget your centre. Don’t forget your ‘why’.
Your ‘why’ will be the reason you keep moving in whichever direction you choose and then ultimately the reason you succeed.
If you remember.
I can barely remember the dreams I had when I was younger. The desires and visions of my future. Some of them I took painstaking steps to forget. I purged them from my system. Others fell away neglected over time, and are now they are a nagging, lingering, vague memory that exists just out of my grasp. It’s annoying really.
I’m learning not to let anxiety and stress dictate my every move and moment in life.
If shit doesn’t get done, then it doesn’t get done. I can’t let other people’s mess drag me to an early grave. I refuse to let my own shit do the same.
I have a fear of being stagnant. I feel like I’m in limbo. And I need to move. To get out of this perpetual rut so I can get to the next step in my life. But I’m nervous. Overly cautious of what step to take next and where it will lead.
Stepping out in faith is much easier said than done.
I spend most days scratching my head trying to not succumb to the doldrums of ‘usual’ and ‘normal’ so I tell myself, “Just take a step, Vanessa. One fucking step.” Because any movement is better than where I am right now. Well, almost any direction. I don’t want to make a circle. That would be fucking depressing.
But I remember why I started this site and so I’ve taken my first step in what I think is the right direction. I hope you can do the same.
Song: Don’t You Forget It
Artist: Glenn Lewis
Album: World Outside My Window
Release date: 2002