Work to Do

Voice notes. 142 to be exact. All needing to be transcribed and fleshed out and made sense of. This backlog of content sitting in my phones includes all the details behind the shitshow I had a starring role in over the past few weeks. And it has my mind feeling cluttered…again.

I’ve been using voice notes instead of writing to get my thoughts out of my brain. The hope was for them to eventually wind up on paper. At least that’s what I prayed but it hasn’t happened and it’s starting to get to me.

My brain is also checking out when it comes to work. That’s not to say that I don’t like working anymore, because I do. I’m just not sure if it’s in the realm of what you would consider a passion or a calling. It’s just… work.

I’ve learned some things about myself over the past few months. The biggest revelation of them all is the fact that I no longer want to work FOR people. I’d rather work WITH them instead. And there’s a distinct difference.

One comes with a lot of overbearing, micromanaging, passive-aggressive, narcissistic behaviour from the employer toward the employee. It used to be something I could tolerate. In the past six years, not so much. Looking back at the last few supervisors I’ve had, only two were pleasant to work with. The rest seem to possess either one or a combination of those ridiculous traits I mentioned, which, unfortunately, manifest with the intent of constantly seeking to…  undermine isn’t the most accurate word to use as a catch-all, but it sure will suffice for the time being. It is as if they all have something to prove, both to their subordinates and the folks in power over them. In most instances, it’s that age-old case of them having had to pay their dues with overbearing bosses and now, what worked for the goose must be imposed on the gander.

Fuck. That. SHIT!

That’s not how the world is set up anymore. It sure as hell isn’t the way mine is, at least, and I have to get away from that. I need to get away from that. This current rhythm, this cycle I’m in – it’s not working. It hasn’t been working for a few years now but I’ve just been too stubborn or too afraid to shift gears because I’m a chick that totally believes in safety nets.

I believe in hedging my bets but I think I’ve hedged them just a little too closely. Now it’s time to spread my wings and finally get to work in a way that I love. Work in a way where the toil will be worth it and not just because another paycheck is coming.

Don’t get me wrong, I like money. I’m not in love with it but I understand its functionality and purpose. But my peace of mind will trump a paycheck any day and I don’t think I would have said that before 2014 but my world was in a tailspin back then.

Short story: My body went haywire, and I went from being the woman with the issue of blood, to finding out I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), to developing deep vein thrombosis due to taking birth control to try to stop the bleeding, to having two surgeries and a 7-day stay in the hospital. But I digress.

Before 2014, I wouldn’t have dared to consider elevating peace of mind above any salary. I needed cash at all costs. Now, I’m eager to work, but on my terms doing what I love. I can’t do that if I’m not in a happy space. I’m working on it though. We’ll see what happens.

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Song: Work to Do
Artist: Vanessa Williams (feat. Black Sheep)
Album: Work to Do
Release Date: 1992