No one ever truly explained the ins and outs of adulting to me. The ups and downs, the ridiculous pressures that aren’t pressures at all when you really think about it. They’re self-imposed social constructs that we determine we should adhere to and/or address to satisfy meaningless milestones we’ve set for ourselves only to reach them and start the process all over again.
And that’s me overthinking things again. But I digress.
It’s week two of holding myself accountable with the writing and it’s a pain in the ass.
I’m trying something a little new – spending time with myself. A novelty, I know. But I mean it. I’m trying really hard to spend time with myself, by myself… without any electronic devices. Just me, Jesus, a pen, some paper and good old silence.
I want to scream.
Waking up, doing devotions and then immediately starting the (death) scroll through social media like a mindless idiot has been my autopilot for the past few years. That wasn’t always the case.
Scrolling had its place in my life when I worked full-time in media. It was my way of escaping the harsh cruelties of life and the stories I covered. Death, corruption and hatred were conveniently replaced by cat memes and quirky historical reels.
Over time, it has morphed into a convenient escape to laziness and missed opportunities to write down how I truly feel and what was on my mind if only to get the gunk out of my head so I could function properly. I guess that’s why the discomfort is overwhelming after 11 minutes.
That’s my threshold for silence. Eleven minutes.
I’m Gen X goddammit, I should be able to hold out for at least a day. Sheesh. I’m up for the challenge though. Being older than Mark Zuckerberg is a superpower I’m obliged to tap back into one minute at a time.
So far, the experiment has done wonders for my weekly (and monthly) to-do lists. Those bad boys keep growing with alarming clarity. Writing about my emotions? Not so much. There’s definitely a block that I need to explore. Honestly, I’m doing my best not to write the word block out 1,000 times and yet, that may be exactly what I need to do.
My current, and obviously horrible fix, for the emotional ideas trying to escape my noggin is to ass-u-me that they will come out on command – in the proper context and flow mind you – at some later date instead of when I actually think about them. Those times seem to never come because I’m occupied or I’m tired. Go figure.
And so, this new idea of being alone, just alone with my thoughts and my feelings and my mind and my body and everything else in between now happens first thing in the morning.
It’s an intimate wellness check. I’m getting back in touch with… me. The discomfort is overwhelming.
I’m accustomed to doing something else at this time, but this is the best course of action. Before I let anything else into my personal space, I must do a mental and physical check-in. Make sure everything works. That these physical creaks and squeaks are still in the right places. That I challenge myself to embrace the emotional gymnastics my brain will slam me with because I have nothing else to turn my attention to. That I order and re-order my day to where it makes sense for my peace of mind but also so that it accommodates the many humans that I claim to love but aggravate the hell out of me into not-so-neat pockets of time so that my conscience is clear by the end of the day.
Sorry, was never the hardest word. No is.
And then, when I get frustrated with pen and paper as I tend to do, I turn on the recorder on my phone before I look at any other app and purge if need be. Just get it all out of my head. One big brain dump of ideas, thoughts, musings, hurt, hate… anything. Anxieties, fears, obligations. All of it.
It’s another flex of discipline that has worked twice out of seven days. Better than the first week though so there’s that. The process is getting better and helping me to understand myself a little better as I go through the decluttering process.
My initial goal is to make it to 15 minutes with myself. That’s the amount of time I spend in the morning doing devotions. You would think another 15 minutes without prompting or instruction would be easy. It’s harder than you think. But I was never one to shy away from challenges.
Building discipline and consistency with this has made me hella nervous but also excited because I barely ever give myself a chance to say anything to myself. I’m always too busy listening to other people or allowing other noise in my head so I’m curious to hear exactly what I have to say.
My prayer is that, as I listen, I can fine-tune and course-correct while getting to know who Vanessa is in 2025 and where she’s headed.
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Song: Think About Things
Artist: Daði Freyr
Album: Söngvakeppnin 2020
Release Date: 2020
