I landed my first client in years yesterday. It’s a small contract—barely enough to make a dent in life—but it got the green light, and I’m happy about that.
I shared the news with a friend, and the relief in her voice threw me for a loop. These are the kinds of friends I have—they support me, guide me, listen to me, and, unbeknownst to me, hold their breath while life throws me punches they don’t think they would be able to handle.
I was congratulated on my win and celebrated for a resilience I didn’t even realize I possessed—until it was pointed out. My response to her candor gave her a new perspective from which to view me.
You see, I’ve never worried about being broke. Maybe it’s my background, my upbringing, or just understanding the sideshow dynamics of my parental system. But I’ve never sat in fear wondering what would happen if I had nothing. I’ve always known I would be OK.
While my faith in God has always extended an immeasurable amount of grace, I’ve usually viewed life as a fight. I just didn’t realize that, in many instances, I was fighting myself. Now that I’m letting go of the reins and allowing God to do all (well, most) of the fighting, life is beginning to reveal her abundant nature.
What I have worried about is what happens if I actually succeed. If I really do succeed—what happens then?
That freaks me out more than anything else. Because I don’t know what that looks like—success, pure joy, happiness. I’ve never truly been there. I’ve never experienced that kind of life.
Just the thought of relaxing and allowing the sensation of contentment to wash over me gives me pause.
My comfort zone—just like my fat—has always been poverty. That’s where I thrive. I know how to navigate being poor. I know how to survive. I don’t know what it means to be rich. Not just in money but in mindset, in peace, in possibility.
Sad as fuck, I know.
That unfamiliarity? It messes with me. Even now.
Now, impostor syndrome is creeping in. Can I cut it? Do I have what it takes to execute the work and excel—making my new client happy she chose me, and more than satisfied with my work? Do I have the gumption and integrity to see this contract through with flying colours? Am I good enough?
Only time will tell…
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Song: Don’t Let Me Get Me
Artist: Pink
Album: M!ssundaztood
Release Date: 2002
